Me Like-a Malacca, Malaysia

Malacca, Malaysia is a lot of things. It is a state in the southern part of the country. It is a UNESCO world heritage site known as the 'Historic City' and celebrated for its well-preserved architecture. It is a former prime trading post that exchanged hands between the Portuguese, Dutch and British. It is the source of one of the more bizarre origin stories I've ever heard. It is sometimes spelled Melaka, don't ask me why. It is home to a large population of Baba Nyonya, or Peranakan Chinese, partly as a result of a 15th century Chinese Emperor's daughter who was married off to a Malay Sultan. She brought along with her 500 attendants, who themselves ended up marrying Malays and Indian traders, creating a hybrid culture also referred to as the Straits Chinese. It is an artsy town with a rich abundance of small galleries and antique shops. It is almost certainly the set of a Quentin Tarantino film. I can not find any publications to substantiate this, even Wikipedia is notably silent on the topic, but I know what I saw.

Take the principal means of tourist transportation. Located primarily around Dutch Square, you will find a battalion of brightly decorated tricycles.  They are more than simple conveyances, they are mini-mobile works of art with a couple of dominant themes that repeat themselves in all this garish accoutrements.  These motifs are (in no particular order):  Hello Kitty, Frozen and some blue cat-like thing that I have never heard of.  Most are equipped with speakers and have made some demonic pact that requires them, regardless of decor, to play "Let It Go" on an endless loop. I never personally witnessed any of them involved in a slow-motion drive by shooting, but you know how Quentin is. He likes to spring these things on the viewer when you least expect them.

It is possible to hire one of these pedal-powered parade floats for a tour of the town- and believe me you have not lived until some guy who looks like an extra from a Bollywood movie tries to pick you up, literally, in his pink Hello Kitty fever dream- but I wanted to walk around and get acquainted with the city first.

This was not easy to do as the town has a bizarre layout where streets that seem to connect on a map, actually require you to up or down flights of stairs.  Also, they forgot to put in sidewalks, particularly on the Chinatown side of the river where I was staying.

But the biggest impediment I faced was my experiment with a new approach to traveling.  In an effort to be more spontaneous, I had purposely forgone over-researching my destinations.  I was trying to be like those go-with-the-flow travelers I am always encountering.  This had worked ok so far, since I received plenty of guidance from the front desk at my Kuala Lumpur hostel and had no problem booking this one on the hostelworld app while en route to Malacca but here was where my luck ran out. The guy at this hostel simply gave me a map and a vaguely worded suggestion that amounted to "just walk around this area of the map".

His recommendation made total sense.  This is a place that needs to be experienced but the geography of the city had me flummoxed.  Despite signs and arrows indicating the way, I had a hell of a time finding my way up to St. Paul's church (no pun intended).  Once a Portuguese fort, it was also the temporary burial place for St. Francis Xavier, who has since been relocated to Goa, leaving behind a vacant wire-covered tomb.

The church itself was interesting but not nearly Tarantino-esque enough.  If you wanted to push it to that next surreal level, you would have to, say,  put some kind of stage show having to do with pirates right across the street and continuously blare Pirates of the Caribbean type music over the loudspeakers.  That way you can be looking into the empty tomb of St. Francis while simultaneously listening to a very dramatic sword battle taking place in the background.

To get a bit more context of where I was, I decided to visit the Malacca Historical Museum, which is housed in a wooden replica of the Sultan Mansur Shah's 15th century palace.  Built using the same techniques as the original, no nails were used in its construction.

Inside was a diorama explaining the origin story I mentioned earlier.  A lot of places have very similar tales on they came to be.  Usually there is someone wandering the plains when a bird (it's almost always a bird of some kind) or rainbow appears or some mystical event takes place and the person says "Eureka!  This is a sign.  This is where I will found this fair city". And then everyone lives happily ever after.

Malacca is a bit different.  In this story, Parameswara, a former king, is fleeing present day Singapore following an attack.  He and his hunting dogs stop to rest near a river.  A mouse deer, which is roughly the size of a house cat, appears out of nowhere, corners one of his dogs, attacks the dog and without provocation, kicks the dog into the river.  Whereas most people would think "Holy shit, this place has some cray cray animals.  Let's get the fuck out of here!", this guy decided that this was an omen about the weak overcoming the strong and declared that this is the spot where he would establish his empire.  When asked for a comment, it is believed that the spokesman for the remaining dogs stated "Well, ain't this some bullshit..."

A display showing many traders (and one prisoner- not shown) appearing before the sultan

At this point, I had walked all over the historic area and should have probably jumped into one of the party trikes for a tour but I wanted to leave something for the next day.

Repurposed Texas slogan alongside a dinosaur?  Good one, QT.

Seriously, who is this blue cat?  Anyone?  This is what the comments section is for.

I returned to the other side of the river to check out the many galleries and cool buildings along Jonker's Street.  

Along the way, I startled a gigantic monitor lizard who startled me more by jumping into the river. Perhaps he thought I was a mouse deer.

I wanted to visit the Baba and Nyonya Peranakan Museum, which is set in the former home of a wealthy Peranakan trader but I had missed the last tour.  That would be another item on the next day's to-do list.

That evening, I began to look into getting a bus north to Penang.  The schedules on line were pretty sketchy and outdated.  No one at the hostel had any definitive information.  I could probably take a night bus which would get me into Penang around 3am, unless it sold out or I could take a bus that next morning and get there around 4pm (it is about an 8 hr. ride). 

This is where the planner's anxiety took over.  What if the next night bus was sold out? What if I ended up stuck in Malacca for several days? What if this was more of a Tarantino/ Roberto Rodriguez collaboration and all these tricycle drivers turned into vampires once the sun set?  

Unable to sleep, I woke up at 6am and high-tailed it to the bus station, in hopes that the 7am bus was a real thing.  Thankfully, it was and I was soon on my way north but I had missed out on the trike tour, the museum and who knows what else. 

It was on the bus ride that I came to a couple of conclusions. First, I am a planner and this experiment had only reinforced that.  And secondly, I need to use those skills to get myself a nice yellow jumpsuit and samurai sword and start making plans to return.  Malacca may be many things but chief among them, it's one really cool town.